Temple

Temple.   

When you meditate you are exploring the world inside of yourself. You start to experience things you can’t touch but feel. Your minds starts off racing, rushing because your thoughts knows they are about to be silenced. Somehow asking all the right and wrong answers until there is but one thought left. What the fuck are we even doing ? We’re supposed to be saying ohmmmm, right ? Are we hungry? What if someone walks in and sees us doing this shit? I’m tired.  are we tired? Focus. Why are we thinking about waterfalls? Bro let’s go watch dc animated movies. Better idea let’s go watch porn ! FOCUS. Wait no porn let’s hit up that one shawty ! NO. FOCUS. Wait let’s write a poem about how bad you are at this! Let’s write a poem. About how bad you are at everything. Let’s go to sleep. .. wait no what are you doing back here? Only private personnel thoughts can come back here. stop. No. NO. 

It’s as if I’m sitting inside my head and I hear my self breathing. It’s loud. In between my temples I sit opening my eyes to a temple. Your body is a temple they say. This temple, this place is dark, rain clouds hovering above. The building is heavily damaged and the grass and flowers are all brown and dead. There are flies buzzing in and out of the building that I have to ignore because I have to stay focused. Slowly I walk up the steps and the stench of what resides inside stabs me in the nostrils. It’s gettin harder to breathe. But I keep walking as only the top half of the wooden door remains so I duck down to go in. There is something chained to the ground. 

It roars. 

It is neither dead or living. It rots as it breathes. It is who is responsible for the foul smell and total destruction of this temple. 

It roars again but this time through the roars it speaks. 

You’ve come to reclaim your temple. My dear host, you are too weak. You enjoy the pleasure and havoc I wreak too much. You hate the responsibility of upkeeping this temple on your own. You’ve come here expecting to get rid of me all on your own ? I am your offspring. A product of your personal destruction. I feed off of your negative thoughts then I regurgitate them  back to you. The only time you’ll ever have anything good to say is if they are dipped in lies and half truths. You’re worthless. You stink of fear and regret. You live a life without purpose. A life without true love. The only way, to rid yourself of me is by taking your own life. Die. Worthless scum. 

Frozen fearing that it has spoken the truth. Wondering at which point in my life did I turn over my youth for chains. I noticed that the clouds are full but it never rains. Maybe because I seeded my depression in my eyes and that’s the only way I can water it. But In here it’s dry. Every flower was an idea a thought a dream an inspiration that has all withered away. The only forms of life here now are the flies that buzz around the monster in my temple. Occasionally zooming past my ear with an irritating and self deprecating message. 

I stumble for words. 

I am afraid. But I will reclaim what is mine. 

You cannot kill me. Boy ! 

It knows everything I know. It feels everything I feel. It knows exactly which words strikes nerves and which nerves excite words. But I must remain focused. 

 Breathe. It knows that calling me a boy strokes my insecurities of ever being taken seriously. Breathe. 

I was a boy. And sometimes even without you I may have boyish thoughts and tendencies. But I assure you. I am no longer a child. 

Shut up. It turned away making all the chains clank and creak. I don’t want to hear your monologue. You’re wasting time in here. Get back out there and do something productive. 

Breathe. 

I stepped closer to the monster that towers over me even as it lays on its side. It can roll over and crush me.  This is my temple and I want you

Shut up kid.  

I want you gone ! 

Sigh. Okay. Are you done ? 

A memory floated in and landed next to me. It was a bubble that I could hold in my hand but I couldn’t physically feel. 

If you’re done you can just leave the way you came. 

I squeezed the bubble popping it hearing “put your foot down” and water bursted out falling onto one of the flowers at my feet instantly bringing it to life. 

The monster felt this. I know because I felt it too. Beneath the decay and destruction, rooted deeply in my core is life. 

“I need you to turn around and face me. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, not next week, now.

Possessed by the power of my demand it flipped around and sat upright looking at me. 

Behind you is a waterfall. Instantly a waterfall appeared behind the monster Remove those chains and walk with me to it. 

I started walking past it as the creature pull on the chains snapping them without any effort and following me. 

We reached the waterfall and looked down toward the bottom. 

You’re dirty. I said to it 

And you 

I don’t want to hear anything else from unless I ask. It was silent. 

I’m going to have to clean up the place. It would be nice to have your help. But I’m sure you’ll find a way to distract me. 

It was silent. 

I need you to jump. But before I want to say I’ve written some pretty dope shit because of you. Thanks for that. You inspired me a lot. But you’ve hurt me more than you’ve helped. You’re thinking I’m wasting time. You’re wrong. I have to tell you what I need to tell in order for you to stay away. I might get sad again. I might lose myself again. I might lose everything again. But I will always get it back. This is my temple. This is my body. This is my mind. The things you’ve caused, the lies you’ve told me, they are forever burned into my memories. And I will always remember. So I can not be fooled again. On your feet. 

The creature stood towering over me. 

Jump. 

It jumped. It was an ant compared to the waterfall , almost falling forever. 

I turned back and walked towards the temple to begin working on cleaning it up. 

I opened my eyes and a single tear had called from my eyes. I wiped away to begin a brighter day